Here are some jokes kick-start your weekend!

Top Joke in Australia

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that
he wanted to get married.

His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the
girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha, a girl from
the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son,
”I’m sorry to say this son but I have to. The
girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don’t tell your  mother.”

The young man again brought three more names to his
father but ended up frustrated because the response was
still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother.
”Mom I want to get married but all the girls that
I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn’t tell you.”

His mother smiling said to him,
”Don’t worry my son, you can marry any of
those girls.  You’re not his son.

Top Joke in Northern Ireland

A doctor says to his patient, ‘I have bad news and worse news’.
‘Oh dear, what’s the bad news?’ asks the patient.
The doctor replies, ‘You only have 24 hours to live’.
‘That’s terrible’, said the patient. ‘How can the news possibly be worse?’
The doctor replies, ‘I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday’.

Top Joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: ‘That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!’
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: ‘The driver just insulted me!’
The man says: ‘You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead,
I’ll hold your monkey for you.

Top Joke in USA

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: ‘Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.’
The man then replies: ‘Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.’

Top Joke in England

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one.
He screams, ‘I slept with your mother!’
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, ‘I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!’
The other says, ‘Go home dad you’re drunk.’

Top Joke in Afghanistan

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, ‘Do you have water?’

The Jewish man replied, ‘I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5.’

The Taliban shouted, ‘Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!’

‘OK,’ said the old Jewish man, ‘it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead…

.

.

.

….. ‘Your fucking brother won’t let me in without a tie!’

Random Jokes

When I was born, I was given a choice – A big dick or a good memory.
I don’t remember what I chose.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings…’

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.

Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Virginity can be cured.

Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing……

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn’t..

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed ‘, many men still sleep with their wives!!

Have a fantastic Friday!